I never got to say, thank you-

you, you acted as my shield from the world

my iron suit that I walked around in

talking shit like Tony Stark

now I know I was never in the ballpark

bat at home swinging with papier-mache at a tee ball stand.

I don’t know what you were worried about-

I picked plenty of roses and never cut myself

gave the neighbors cat a bath and she didn’t run away

and neither did I.

I did enjoy the days you would show me the light

like a present the sunshine was to my skin

your hand was loose but always in mine

a child in body and lost in the mind.

Thank you, for caring

you never told me the wonders of the light

when the sun touches the water

when your hand touched mine- it was the same

you didn’t show me, I had to swim on my own.

I never asked why you were so protective

and no one has ever been since,

but I learned how to swim

so hopefully you can rest easy.

Just need to get something off my chest-

someone said that once and went on a long rant

but just need a minute of your time to tell you

that the one with the dimples in the front row,

the one that supported me from the start

libra in her profile – dimples when she smiles

you make it worth while

just a few lines here and there is my artistic style

and I’ll never stop chasing you, I’m looking for you babe

and I’ll never stop through sunshine or rain.

 

Yeah, can’t seem to shake it

didn’t try real hard never left our bed

and still we’re layin’ playin’ bed head

and you drive me wild.

Lets, make a promise

pact between an angel and a fallen saint

when I’m all over the world and just here at home

we never keep score, just the one for our latest bet

still waitin’ on my five as long as we share the mindset

while the world is fallin’ will count the towers

and I’ll always be there to bring you flowers.

I, can’t bring myself to take a second

to blink away because I’ll miss your excellence

with an emphasis on your tremulous intelligence

jump the fence can’t wait another minute

the way you say my name, a favorite attribute

your are a queen and I’m a king

look at this chess we’re playing

a peace of mind a sound in the quiet a phone a friend lifeline

and I will be yours, through rain and through shine

I come to you with a peak inside–

it’s quiet

too quiet

outside the blinds, families picking up their last holiday gifts

festive hats, have a great day

a few gift cards, have a great day

wrapping paper sporting jolly Santa and trusty Rudolph, have a great day.

the happiest time of year, theme songs of the month playing on repeat, and I can’t remember one person’s face.

Our old family car’s cruise control never worked

you would have to hold the button, however,

we discovered if you inserted a coin and really jam it in there

the cruise control would stay-

and as I sit and watch these faceless people

and the coin jabs further into my skull

I don’t remember any of it.

Silence.

Quiet in the madness

scrambling and I’m the only egg that’s cracked

dreading the time in silence because I feel safer

here in the madness

but I can’t stay.

The faceless walkers troll apart the hallways

screaming and ripping off others ears and I’m the one that’s sideways

and I can’t run.

The water falls in a single drip

exactly three seconds apart- I know I counted.

Heater and a candle because the cold is awful and should be banned.

The candle is a Mistletoe scent

I didn’t know at the time that it would keep the madness with it

warding all reindeer to stay the fuck away

so I can lay and cry in peace an.

.

.

Sorry, your time is up.

Please enter another twenty-five cents to keep the cruise control going,

have a great day.

I guess we know

we didn’t but now we know-

the book was published

and all your lies became truths

ripped open my spines and poured ink

and sold it for fourteen ninety-nine.

I thought I was worth more than that-

a cheap penny

blood filled library

and signing with my wish bone.

Worse part was- I loved the book

shoveled all your lies like a dessert

everyone at that shit up

and in a motherfuckin’ instant

I’m the lie.

The history written in my bible

was being preached

in the quad in front of all the people

my texts-

the next step in the light

silenced in shadow

a cloak over my head

choosing between rewriting

or telling the truth

so it’ll be this chapter

somewhere in the middle:

hello, my name is Sam

and this is my truth

I couldn’t help but watch you leave

the coffee shop on fourth and it was the third time

I counted the seconds until I was the first to follow you out.

I bet that sounds crazy,

but I saw her in a crowded coffee shop last week

ordering the same drink I do, reading the same book

like going to a book story and picking up my daily planner.

I wanted to ask her if she thinks:

that Tony and Alice deserve each other

Alice was a dick but Tony wasn’t a saint

or will they keep passing each other

in coffee shops just like this one

or will he go out- chase after her

or wait until next time

because we are naive to believe that there will be a next time

so we sit in the same chair

working on the novel we’ve been staring at

just writing Alice and Alice over and over again

and just like auto correct I’ll walk with red lines under me

because it’s a mistake

the suggestion was to delete

but I couldn’t live with that

so I’ll follow her out and ask-

if she would give Tony a chance

because I think he would make Alice happy.

 

I hope I never keep you waiting-

Looking for something-

magical so I never had to leave

never knew you were so close

reach out and fall through

this place was always here

under my nose-

watching the clouds passin’ through

passin’ out tickets have them rushin’

to their seats for when I kiss the sun

bright  and always makin’ the day desirable-

right under my nose,

and I’ll fall asleep in your arms

wake up smelling like you

carrying you on my sweater keeping warm and love with me

and I won’t take it off-

but the world is so small

until it ain’t and you’ve found this haven

a place where you are kissing the sun

and wearing a sweater sewed into your skin

so deeply engraved you can’t remember

what it was like before them

and now

I worship the sun

turn the dial past nine to hear her voice and awaken to her heavenly bliss

and will leave the dial here-

not to puase time for a minute

just an extra second so you can take a mental picture

if just how perfect-

wanting it all meant something different

just to keep this world spinning

to keep the sun shinning

to keep this sweater warm

to keep you in my small world.

When did that happen-

sleeping at the wheel knocked over a cone a puppy a baby

and I never noticed.

Free of toxins, full night of sleep, and hands on the wheel

and I lost it- out of my hands, out of my ear

when I was dreaming

dreaming about you and I knew

losing seconds in that dream would take hours

and I slept to long.

Bring me out don’t hold me down

sinking in worth please don’t let me drown

am I worth it bleeding it out till the plague is gone

spawn all the worries and blessings lined up to take their shot-

is. my. time. up.

woken up- alone

call ended fourteen hours ago just seconds ago not the time to lie low

so; don’t drop the call, answer and hold a thought longer than

you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met

an

fasoodfjqgokqvjnq=-wqf0funcafcl,’

into the side of the road before the cement block can remove my head

like a jack o’ lantern on Halloween eve I’ll dial your number

it’ll ring- the mirror broken off laying next to me

I can’t say hello, like I normally do

I’m sorry I am going to be late for dinner,

traffic is a mess.

I have a hard time remembering what it was like before I met you.

I can see events, days like flipping through a photo album

but it’s like it was a different me

a shadow or a copy living in my shoes

the ones my aunt gave me on my birthday

how did you get them- they were in my closet.

I can see a day that happened last year but

I ended the day talking to you

future me tellin’ me stop being me

and go get that girl.

You like to tell me I’m forgetful-

but I’ll never forget what you make me feel

you make me want to rewrite this photo album

walk you through it like a history class

changing majors giving you a D for missing class

and A for being on time-

I think I’ve chased you before,

not this me another me not the me in the shadow a different me

I’ve always chased you

throughout history.

I use to paint, nothing more than a hobby

a brush stroke to free a painful afternoon

like letting a bird free from her cage

and we sang the same song.

A re-centering tool- it’s what a friend called it

can call her Liz – and Liz added

lets take it a step further lets paint outside.

Got in a jeep with the doors missing

shoes at home brushes in the car

wind in our hair hand on her thigh

hers in my hair-

we came to a cliff overlooking truly nothing

and she said-

fill it with paint

and the Sherlock in me was ready with the bucket of Salt Blue ready to fill every corner but no

the Watson approach- a pond once existed here-

a family of ducks all beautiful and kids brought them lunch and watched them like a free zoo

couples posed on rocks, these aren’t your every day rocks no these are fucking boulders

the kind Indiana Jones sees in his nightmares.

a pair of green trees with rings visible on the outside

older couples would come to carve knots on them – another ring for a happy ring

that passes through

and during the night sky- shitty teenagers would come and have a bonfire

cheap beer and loud music, they would count all the stars

and catalogue them like files a through z and

they danced until the ducks came the next morning.

It was their shift.

 

and we packed our paint- we left two brushes behind

for the next chapter.

You can find me, at the bar

half down a shot and half callin’ for another

girls name half out of my mouth an evening lived in infamy

young Amy rode a one seater plane

first class sip of orange juice.

-back

at the bar

half into another

leavin’ a tale at the bar like a weary traveler

on the way to a plane

to catch another flight

to another bar

to tell the same story

on a different line wondering why the story never changes

how the tellings never evolved from ear to ear.

In a home that I recognize from dreams of a young child

making a drink in my own bar

remembering the stories I lived in another

it’s a little different, lost and confused

with a droopy eye, almost asking for it-

and I’ll feel something close to uneasy

but after another drink

it’s a different story.